


Nothing But My Aching Soul

by tomfoolery14



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coda to 3x10, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 18:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: He was in mourning.He mourned what he’d lost—his magic, his immortality, and his identity. He also mourned what had never been his—a father who didn’t seek to take from him, an infinite life of love with the man of his dreams, and a place in which he had never known this kind of loss.“I’m not who I used to be,” Magnus whispered, looking himself in the eye.





	Nothing But My Aching Soul

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by and title from young and beautiful by lana del rey

Magnus dragged his index finger down his cheekbone slowly as he looked back at himself in the vanity mirror. He was starting to wear his age on his face. The little wrinkles around the corners of his eyes seemed to be getting deeper, and the little lines around the corners of his mouth were getting longer. The soft creases in his forehead were not as soft as they once were.

He felt his age deep in his bones these days as well. Somehow, living through wars and regime changes never sat like a weight on his shoulder before, even though he had started over so many times, lived so many lifetimes. He had a constant for the first time in his life, with Alexander, the greatest love of his life, and yet he was now only a shade of his former self.

He was in mourning.

He mourned what he’d lost—his magic, his immortality, and his identity. He also mourned what had never been his—a father who didn’t seek to take from him, an infinite life of love with the man of his dreams, and a place in which he had never known this kind of loss.

“I’m not who I used to be,” Magnus whispered, looking himself in the eye.

The ensuite door opened and Alec emerged from the haze of steam that billowed out, clad in only a pair of worn boxer briefs. Magnus couldn’t help the way his gaze flickered to his right arm. It had healed up just fine with the help of Catarina’s magic, but to him, it was a reminder of how he’d failed Alec. He had never wanted to feel that kind of helplessness, and he feared that it would come to be his constant companion now.

With a resigned sigh, he stood and shrugged off his robe, letting it drop haphazardly onto the floor. He felt so empty without the thrum of magic under his skin, and it was the oddest sensation to no longer have his amber cat’s eyes beneath a glamour. He felt naked, exposed.

The press of Alec’s warm hands on his upper arms made him shiver. “How are you feeling?” Alec murmured in his ear, pressing a tender kiss to the soft skin just behind it.

“Unmade,” Magnus replied, allowing himself the luxury of feeling the isolated sensation of Alec’s body pressed to his own. Reveling in the way they seemed to fit together so utterly perfectly.

“You’re still you. Nothing can take that away from you, baby.” Alec turned Magnus to face him, hands sliding down to intertwine their fingers.

“Mm,” Magnus hummed noncommittally, offering a weak smile—reassurance for Alec’s benefit. “I’ll be fine.”  The sheets were cold when he slid beneath them, and so was the pillow. Perhaps it was a projection of the barren feeling he had inside.

Alec looked at him for a moment before sitting down across from him on the edge of the bed. “You don’t have to be. What you’ve lost is worth grieving.” When Magnus offered no reply, Alec let the conversation drop.

Even lying next to each other, Magnus felt a chill he couldn’t chase away. Pushing Alec away, even when he feared what would happen when he got close, was always exponentially more painful than laying bare his fears and insecurities.

“Alexander,” he whispered into the darkness, eyes on the ceiling above him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m afraid that you…that you’re going to see me differently now,” he admitted. His fingers twitched at his side, reaching for Alec’s. “I’m…” The words stuck in his throat, and he couldn’t dislodge them.

“Hey. You are the most extraordinary person I’ve ever known, Magnus.” The softness of Alec’s expression was further tempered by the gentle bluish glow of moonlight streaming through the window. “With or without magic and immortality, you’re everything I could ever dream of.”

Magnus wanted to smile with warmth and hope, but instead it came out wilted, sad. “If love were enough, Alexander, I wouldn’t miss who I was for even a second.”

“We’ll make it enough. I promise,” Alec insisted.

And in that moment, it was.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me at champagnemagnus.tumblr.com!


End file.
